Let another praise you, and not your own mouth; a stranger, and not your own lips. Proverbs 27:2 I grew up believing that if you had worth, others would notice and point it out, you didn’t have to promote yourself. That message still is with me and forms some of my reluctance at marketing. I struggle with it because it doesn’t feel humble, it feels arrogant and proud, and I was raised to quietly go about my business and not seek to be noticed. I received a community award several years ago for being an outstanding mental health clinician. I didn’t know that I was even nominated for that award and attended the gala because I was invited by a community contact who I had known. I almost didn’t go, because my connection with her was not that close, but for some reason (God) I decided to buy an expensive dress and doll myself up and go with my husband. While at this posh gala, I thought to myself, what am I doing here, this isn’t really my thing, but it was different and interesting. I sat with some friends from my community that I knew. When they announced the category for Outstanding provider of Mental Health Services, I was genuinely curious as to who it was. “Did I know her”, had we worked together in the past? I heard the name “Allison Bonilla”, and no lie, I turned to my husband and said “There is another Allison Bonilla in our community and I didn’t even know that. He, also in the dark, looked at me and both of us like fools looked around for a Latina who was a Doctor or something like that with my same name. They literally had to repeat my name three times before my friend who was sitting on the other side of me said “I think they are calling you, you need to get up and go receive the award”. I protested and heard the person on the stage say “is Allison Bonilla here”. Then another person also in my row who knew me said “Allison, they are waiting for you”. I cannot make this scene up. It still echoes in my brain today. The scene of me awkwardly standing, not knowing what to do or where to go, firmly believing that as I walk down those dark theatre stairs I will trip, or worse yet the real “Allison Bonilla” will emerge and claim her trophy and I will be so embarrassed because I assumed that it was meant for me. I made it to the stage without incident, accepted the award. I had no prepared speech, because I was thoroughly unprepared and babbled on about something then went back to my seat. The rest of the night and all the ensuing congratulations were a blur. If I didn’t have the pictures to prove it happened I would think it was a delusion or a dream. So you see, the story I tell myself is that others will see your worth you don’t have to promote, just quietly go about your business and people will notice and give you the spotlight in due time. It is a story that is challenged each time I try to put my name out there so that people could know of my service. I am happy in the background and the spotlight, though not scary feels presumptuous if I seek it out. What story are you telling yourself that is hindering you from moving forward in your professional or personal life?
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I noticed something disturbing recently as I watched a powerful sermon on YouTube. What was disturbing was that it did not respect the sacred intimacy of the service. If you have been a Christian for any period of time, you may have experienced Sacred Intimacy. It is the ability to be surrounded by people in the house of God while worshiping or praying, but feeling the presence of only God. It may seem strange that there can be singular intimacy with God that is present even while you are surrounded by many people, but there is. Many, including myself have experienced it. Picture yourself in the pews, with people all around you, but you feel the presence of Holy Spirit communicating with you, and only you. You become aware that Holy Spirit is healing, bringing comfort, guidance and strength. Holy Spirit is providing what you need in that moment, and no one and nothing around you matters. Yes I can have that same experience at home, but there is something special about sharing it with several others at the same time in the same space. Intimacy in a crowd seems like an oxymoron, but there it is, a spiritual mystery. When I watched the sermon online I was aware that the congregation was being videotaped and this distressed me. I wasn’t disturbed by the videotaping of the pastor or those on stage who were providing the teaching, announcements, or the music. I was only disturbed by the videotaping of the congregants. I felt like I was a voyeur into their intimate moments. If I were in the service I would not be looking around, I would be simply having my own moment with Holy Spirit. However the camera and the TV screen shared with me everything that was happening in this other setting, where I was not. It showed me the facial expressions as people listened and emotionally responded to what was happening in the service. I witnessed people’s tears; I even got to hear prayers prayed over them by church leaders who were praying over those who came down to the front of the church for prayer. The camera showed me who lifted their hand for prayer when the pastor offered prayers for specific situations (“anyone experiencing problems in their marriage, anyone who is struggling with addictions,” etc.) I was now aware of who was struggling because they were caught up in the intimacy of the moment and with no thought to the cameras, they raised their hands and accepted prayer. But there is no intimacy if a camera is recording everything. That is the issue I have with cameras in the church. Yes I want to be able to attend service remotely, but I worry that churches forget that there are parts and aspects to their service that shouldn’t be broadcast beyond the people who are present at their meeting. Am I wrong about this? I don’t think so. I don’t think I want my tears to be memorialized in a video for hundreds and sometimes thousands to see. I am not an exhibitionist. I want my intimate times with my savior to remain so. God, myself and the few people who surround me in this public, yet private space are the only ones who can witness my pain. It is not for the masses. Do churches need training on social media ethics and ways to maintain the privacy and intimacy of their worship services and prayer service? From what I am seeing online, the answer is “Yes”. If you belong to a church that broadcast it’s services, is your church media department sensitive to this and conservative in what they show to people outside of the live event? I hope they are, but if they aren’t can you bring up this issue with them? Yes we want to spread God’s word to the masses, but we also want to build and maintain a relationship with God that is loving and intimate. We want to make sure that we are not being like the world that says all experiences need to be documented and curated for the masses to gain clicks and likes on social media. “And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. Matthew 6:5–6 When we engage in worship, it is about a singular relationship, not a relationship with many. God has relationships with many; we have a spiritual relationship with one, The One. Our places of worship need to remain undefiled, like the marriage bed. Let’s keep our sacred spaces, sacred. What do you do when your smart watch tells you it needs to be docked to recharge? If you are like most people, you recharge it. Why? If you don’t, it will die. If you don’t recharge it, you will not be able to access the functions that you want to use. The watches today provide a lot of data and being able to have this data is important. This is why you dock your smart tech, whether a smart watch or a phone. Do you dock yourself when your body tells you it needs to be recharged? Because if you don’t your brain won’t work as well. There are so many functions that your brain does and they are compromised when your brain is tired. Some reasons to recharge are:
Dock yourself, recharge for healthy functioning. By the seventh day God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he rested from all his work. Genesis 2:2 If you are struggling to balance being Productive with Resting and Recharging, let’s talk about what that challenge is and how you can overcome it. Leave a comment about what you do to recharge. It’s January, have you failed yet? If you haven’t, it may be because you haven’t attempted anything new as yet. We often hear people talk about all they are planning to do in the New Year. Are you one of them? When will you start to do those new things? What is stopping you from starting today? Some people don’t start because they already know that they will fail. They tried last year or a few years ago and it didn’t work out. Yet with hope they said, I don’t want to abandon this goal, so they restate the same goal. Yet they don’t move on it because failure is a foregone conclusion. By February they stop even thinking about the goal and it will be viewed as another failure to add to the former ones. This year I want to suggest that you reframe failure. This year try a lot and fail a lot. What I mean is that you should keep trying. If you don’t try, you can’t honestly say that you failed. Why is failure such a bad word? It is a word that says something was attempted. It is a word that hints at bravery, at hope. The honest truth is that most successes came at the end of a string of failures. So try a lot, fail a lot, until your last attempt produces success. It’s that time of the year again; the time when many are sharing their word for the year. The choice of your word speaks to your goals, aspirations and perhaps challenges for the upcoming year. I always struggled to land on one word. Life is so complex and multi-faceted that I found it hard to believe that one word would capture all that I have in my mind to do, accomplish or involve myself in.
That is why I love this verse in Psalm 119:103 which says; How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth! Here is a part of the whole Psalms. Psalm 119:97-104 97 Oh, how I love your law! I meditate on it all day long. 98 Your commands are always with me and make me wiser than my enemies. 99 I have more insight than all my teachers, for I meditate on your statutes. 100 I have more understanding than the elders, for I obey your precepts. 101 I have kept my feet from every evil path so that I might obey your word. 102 I have not departed from your laws, for you yourself have taught me. 103 How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth! 104 I gain understanding from your precepts; therefore I hate every wrong path. It confirms to me that although I may find it hard to focus on one word, I can depend on The Word. I know that I have access to many words from God to reflect on during the year.
This year I did choose a word. My word is Faithful, but remember, if you are able to choose one word, don’t forget to also choose The Word this year. Gaslighting is defined as making someone question their reality. For example, if I show you a red dot and ask you to identify the color. You being truthful say, “Its red”. Me being a person who is gaslighting you says “is it really red, are you sure, what qualifies you to know that that is really the color, there are many shades of red, isn’t it possible that that is a deep pink or scarlet, how can you be so definitive”. All these statements are meant to make you ask yourself if you gave the right answer. You may also begin to think that you should not have been so concrete in your belief that you knew what the answer is. You may begin to feel that your confidence displayed a bit of arrogance by saying so boldly that the answer was red. That, you see, is the ultimate aim of gaslighting, to dismantle your confidence and belief in yourself, your knowledge, your truth. In relationships gaslighting is a ploy of abusers and those who are insecure and immature. It is often used to deflect and avoid taking responsibility when confronted. The gaslighter, lets’ call him Joe, and by the way, it could be a Josephine. Gaslighting is no respecter of persons. Anyway, Joe is being confronted about coming home late. He wants to deflect and avoid taking responsibility for his action so he uses gaslighting. “I don’t remember ever promising to be home by that time. Anyway, this is why I don’t come home; I get interrogated by you, who would want to come home to this” At this point, the partner has several thoughts and emotions. 1. I should not have brought up the subject because I’m the reason he doesn’t want to come home. 2. Maybe he never promised, we talked about it, but did he really say he would be home on time or did I just assume he would because we talked about how important it was to me. The person being gaslighted begins to question her rightness for even broaching the subject. Deflection complete; and avoidance of responsibility successful. Commonly in gaslighting, you will often see a shift. Not only will Joe not have to take responsibility, but he will also be able to shift responsibility for the argument to the partner. That is when the apology will begin. It will go something like this. His partner will now say, having recognized that this whole misunderstanding is because of her, “I’m sorry to have interrogated you, I want you to be home and to want to come home after work. I shouldn’t have jumped on you when you just got in the door. Can you forgive me?” The power now lies in the largesse of the gaslighter. He will either magnanimously forgive and forget, or he will add that to his arsenal of gaslighting weapons to use in later arguments to remind her of how crazy she is. The reason it is important to recognize this kind of behavior early in a relationship is because of the power it has to radically impact the overall health of the person being gaslighted. This form of emotional abuse can morph into verbal abuse and physical or sexual abuse. At that point even with physical evidence of the abuse the person will still question the reality of it. The question will then be asked, “is it really abuse”. The victim will ask themselves if they did something wrong that brought about the abusive (if it is) response of the other. In other words, they believe they were at fault. The trend of avoidance of responsibility will continue now with the victim being a strong defender of the innocence of the perpetrator of the violence. What is scary is that it can start so subtly in a relationship. If you are in a dating relationship it is important to pay attention to how your date takes responsibility. If you express any concern do they minimize your concern? Do they ask you to question your reality or perception of the incident? Do they dismiss your emotional response and suggest that you respond in a different way? Now it’s okay if they ask that you modify your reaction if it is too intense for them, but if you are being calm and just trying to discuss the issue, being told to calm down can be a spark that makes you want to get more intense. Look for these patterns, because there will be patterns. This is not just a one-time incident; it will repeat itself in many different settings with other people. You just need to give the relationship time to be able to see the pattern. When you find yourself in a relationship where you feel a fear reaction or anxiety about broaching subjects because you fear the response of your partner that is when you either get therapeutic intervention or get out. There are no amounts of charm and material benefits that will make up for a poverty of spirit that will come as a result of living with a person who is skilled at gaslighting. They will steal your confidence and your spirit. Be more protective over these things. Christians in a dating season need to remember that God loves you and the Bible says: “For God hath not given us[Christians] the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7. Don’t forget to use that sound mind, and hold tight to that power and love that are benefits that accompany the Christian faith in God when you enter into these dating relationships. Before I left on vacation, I prepared my clients for my absence. I shared with them resources to use while I was absent and gave them the name and number of a colleague who would be covering for any emergencies while I was away. I didn’t want them to feel abandoned for the 3 weeks that I would be away. Imagine my surprise when one of my clients' said, “Is there also a number where I can reach you if I need to.” My mind flashed back to that old movie “What About Bob”. Needless to say I didn’t share my location, hotel or cell number with the client, but addressed his anxiety and reinforced the protocols established to give him safety and myself a time away. As we are preparing for time away from the office due to the holidays or vacation? What are you doing to prepare your clients for your absence? Are you sensing any resistance both in you and in your client? Does your organization help you to separate, guilt free, or are they also part of the resistance you feel in being absent from your job. Time away is more effective if you are at peace with leaving your job behind. Truly leaving the work behind involves being able to be fully present in your vacation. It is not only a physical absence from the tasks of your profession, it’s also being emotionally and spiritually present with those you chose to spend this special time with. So, take a moment and check in with yourself. Do you feel that you will need to bring along the work phone, check the work Slack account, or call in to see if the organization is still functioning without your presence? Are others, staff and administration allowed to call you while you are off? If this is the case then you are not truly away. A quick story: I was on maternity leave and my director called me a couple of times a day to ask “Where do you keep these forms? What do you want me to tell Dr. X about patient Y”, Is this agency the right one to call for this need, and if so who should I speak with?”. After her third call on my second day home from the hospital I told her that I would need to charge her for consultation services if she continued to call during my time off. The calls predictably stopped and I returned after 6 weeks as planned. Final thoughts: Plan your time away so that your organization can function, and function well without you. Prepare your staff, colleagues and clients for your absence. Posture your heart and mind to be present with those you have chosen to spend your vacation with. Only by doing this will your time off be restorative and revitalizing. Have you ever considered that your identity is tied to your activity? When there is a lack of alignment between your behavior and who you say you are (identity), people get confused. Businesses grow and change, as do business people. Some of the change is intentional because we identify areas that we need to work on and we work on them. Intentional change is usually tied to the desired outcome and or income. Those planned changes usually align with our identity; who we say we are. Some change however is incidental, because it occurs in reaction to incidents that we encounter as we build our business. Business people are frequently exposed to new thoughts and ideas about how to build and grow their businesses, and not all of these ideas and proposals can feel right or authentic to who we are. Instead of sitting and evaluating the impact of these ideas on our business, we react by making changes that don’t align with our identity. As a Christian businesswoman, I see many opportunities to operate outside of my identity in business. However, I stay intentional so that I can continue to be who I say I am. I have no wish to confuse others, or myself. I remain who I say I am. I am a Christian businesswoman who works to help other businesswomen balance the sometimes competing agendas of personal and professional. Today, take an inventory. Does your business reflect your core values and your identity? Are you still the person you were when you began your business? If not, was it intentional, or incidental? Are you happy with the change or does it pose some problems for you? Remember your actions will be in alignment with your identity. Make sure that you are happy with what your activities are telling others about you. If you find that some of your current identity doesn’t align with your values or beliefs, take heart, change is possible. It starts with answering the question, “Who Are You?” Take the challenge and comment with one sentence that will let others know who you are. Others just may check out your feed to see if your posts reflect the values you say you espouse. I look around and see many signs saying “Now Hiring”. Yet I hear that there are many people unemployed. There are many reasons for this and I don’t want to simplify a complex set of issues, but I do want to address one aspect of it. Many would-be employees have left their job in droves due to burnout. They are the ones who continue to stay away and are looking for ways to live that don’t involve returning to the traditional workforce.
Employers who are wise will look at ways to hang on to the employees they currently have by addressing some of the issues that prompted the exodus. Pay raises are good, but a good salary in an unhappy environment has not been shown to be the best solution. Employers must address less apparent issues such as just not feeling happy, or enjoying the work environment. It is possible to enjoy your work and not the people you work with. Play can help with this. The company or team that plays together can bond well and be more inclined to stay together. Play reduces levels of tension and invites feelings of well-being. However, for many companies, the word “play” is associated with a lack of productivity. This is because they see play as employees goofing off on their phones or computers. Employers see it as a distraction, and for the most part, they are correct. If the company, however, directed the office play in a way so that it remained enjoyable for the employees while promoting bonding it would be a win-win. Here are a few ways that this can be done. Where is Waldo Invite team members to find Waldo. Waldo can be a team mascot or just a stuffed animal or image you choose. It can be physical, or digital. I like digital because you can hide it in an email or a file that your team has access to or visits frequently. You can use a Bitmoji or Gif. This can be a fun exercise that elicits team members’ cooperation or competitiveness. Attach a reward for greater participation. Celebrate taking time off. Invite team members to take a selfie of a night out. They have to submit that with their receipt (restaurant or entertainment), showing the last 4 digits of their credit card number to get credit for good self-care. For added bonus invite them to “review” their night out with team members. This could be a restaurant or a movie review or just 5 minutes telling about what they did with their time off that was fun. Keep it PG and roll with it. Post fun quizzes weekly It may take a bit of planning and ingenuity but you can find several quizzes online. You will need to put them in a format that all the employees can use (print out, or post on a company site). Again for greater engagement celebrate winners by acknowledging them or providing a reward. Get Physical Reward health gains. Improved physical health can be encouraged by hosting quarterly health goals and having employees share them and outline their benchmarks and their strategies to achieve them. Goals should be SMART goals and the team should agree on ways it will be validated. For instance, a weight loss goal of losing 5 lbs by the end of the quarter is reasonable. Employees may need to share starting weight and end-of-quarter weight. Having peer support and encouragement may prove helpful. Another measurable goal would be to exercise regularly. How would employees define regular and how will it be validated. Will it be self-report, or Fitbit recorded, or will they submit photos of themselves at the gym. It is up to the employee and the team. The team is there for encouragement and accountability. End of quarter celebration should be for everyone, regardless of goal success. This is one activity where effort is valued and team support is the real winner. Learning together Have the team learn a language together. It doesn’t have to be something practical like Spanish or French. It could be Tagalog (yes that is a language). The idea is to get everyone to greet each other in that language each day and to encourage them to learn basics like how to say their name and ask each other questions in the language. Duolingo (a free app) is great for this. They can sign up and add friends for friendly competition in the chosen language. Relationship Science has shown that people who are engaged in learning together can develop some healthy bonds and affection. In an isolated corporate environment this may be helpful. What do you want to put effort into? Think of how much money is spent onboarding new workers. Isn’t it worth it to work on keeping already trained employees? To do so you must think outside the box. What are some ways you can think of to help employees bond? Can you share some ideas that you have experienced in your work life that have promoted positive feelings about your organization and job? One of my husband’s employers organized a company cruise. We paid for it but it was a great bonding experience with me getting to know some of the people he worked with and their spouses. Another of his companies flew us to Omaha for the company's Christmas party to meet the other employees in a different branch of the company. We have also been privileged to go to company picnics and dinner shows. Not every organization has the finances to engage in these activities with their employees. That is why the 5 activities listed above are affordable. They however will take some intentional effort. Proverbs 17:1 says “Better is a dry morsel with quietness, Than a house full of feasting with strife.” We have to do better at understanding what employees want in an 8-hour-plus day if we want them to stay. The bottom line is that increasing attrition and stemming the bleed of employee loss takes effort but so does recruiting, hiring, onboarding, and training new employees. The organization just has to decide where they want to put the money and the effort. |
AuthorAllison is a Professional Life Strategist, helping busy professional women maintain healthy relationships professionally and personally as they move forward in their lives. She gives you tools to build the life you want. Archives
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